© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.ForWomenEntrepreneurs.com

• Do you balk when someone is in your face?
• Do you freeze when someone is aggressive with you?
• Do you think of a comeback hours too late?
• Do you live in fear of seeing or interacting or working with that person again?

If the answer is “Yes!” then you don’t know what to do that is effective and productive when faced with conflict. GOOD NEWS! The skills to manage and accommodate conflict are learned. That’s where you got the ones you have AND you can get better, more effective ones easily.

We have not come far from the reptiles when it comes to being faced with anger, conflict or confrontation. Our reptilian brain only knows how to fight, flee or freeze.  Apparently, conflict management wasn’t an option in the days of the dinosaurs!

With systematically developed communication and conflict management skills, you can feel much more competence, comfortable and confident every day. You know you can handle it, and that feels good.

Recently I was consulting to a company who had employee problems ruining their productivity and profitability. Morale was down the drain. Trust was almost non-existent. People simply showed up and went through the motions most days. On other days, it was all out war…in the most underhanded, undermining ways as well as loudly, rudely and viciously. What an incentive to take sick days!

No company can afford this. In fact, Dan Dana’s research shows that up to 42% of an employees time is spent engaging in or trying to resolve conflict. And, I add, without skills they can’t resolve anything!

So, the client had called me when he was dangling from the last threads of his tether.

“Help! If something doesn’t happen, we’re going to go bankrupt. They are difficult to work with. Their animosity for each other spreads to their attitude with customers. They demonstrate little respect for each other, and, I know they are just holding themselves back from being insubordinate with me.  What can you do?”

I said:  “Take a deep breath!”

And, then we began to unpack the issues, history and probably steps to solution.

The simple truth is: WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US!  If we once let them treat us badly, we’ve begun to set a pattern…and, often, set it in stone. This CEO had not developed a conscious culture for his company, had not communicated the ways in which employees would interact in order to stay employed, and had no mechanism for agreement. So, not only did folks have no skills, they had no direction.

Corporate culture must be defined. Yes, it takes time away from the day-to-day, but it is essential. Without defining corporate culture, anything goes.  If don’t know the agreements–and the consequences of stepping outside of them–there is stress. The problem is that without those agreements, no one knows where the boundaries are.

COMPANIES HAVE THE TEACH EMPLOYEES HOW TO TREAT EACH OTHER AT WORK!  They do that by pr0-actively addressing this in their corporate culture documents and discussing it fully–and enforcing it–with their teams.

What’s going on in your neck of the woods?

I wish you well.
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Consultant. Counselor. Coach. Catalyst.
www.Rhoberta.com
www.ForWomenEntrepreneurs.com
www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com

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© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Do you ever feel over-compromised in your relationships?

Like you’ve given in, given over, and maybe even given up?

If you’ve ever said these words, you’re there.“IT’S NOT WORTH THE HASSLE!!!”

Those are complaints I hear often from my relationship coaching clients who are searching for the keys to having the relationship they long for, but haven’t yet experienced.

We are told over and over that every relationship involves a certain amount of compromise. And, it’s true. There is very little value in arguing over whose movie gets chosen every single time. There’s a logical place to compromise. The problem is that many folks live with constant feelings of giving in, giving over and have simply given up. And, there are cures!

Unfortunately, there is no magic, though. Relationship begins with you, not the other person. If I had a hundred dollars for each couple who say they want to improve their relationship and have come into my office or to a coaching call with this attitude, I’d be delighted:

“If only you could teach her/him ______________, our relationship would be great.”

Now, those couples seldom say that out loud. They really believe that if I could just fix their partners all problems would disappear. They come in hoping that I’ll simply take the back off their partner, make a few adjustments, and all will be heavenly. Those unspoken agendas and secret fantasies need great consideration…because you may them and never even make it to my office or telephone. You simply delude yourself with the idea that it’s your partner’s issues that make the relationship difficult.

Relationship starts with knowing who you are, AND, who you are in relationship. Examining that and how it came to be true is an essential beginning point. In the four-week SoulWise Loving* class, we work on ourselves in new ways for the first two weeks. Big surprise to many folks, cuz they came to find out the secrets of fixing their partner!!

Compromise is only one of five major ways to manage conflict. And, conflict is not a four-letter word. It simply means a difference of opinion, style or point-of-view. Learning how to manage conflict effectively and productively is key for everyone, in every relationship. It goes hand-in-hand with also learning to communicate and negotiate skillfully–both also learned skills.

Where did you learn to manage conflict? If you are like most people, it was learned by watching others. That spectrum runs between screaming, yelling and serving up ultimatums to acquiesing, backing down and avoiding confrontation at all costs. None of those strategies are wise or productive. You’ve likely noticed that.

If you find yourself compromising more than is comfortable, take the time to ask yourself why you do that. If you think you’re just seeking peace, examine that. Peace is great, but, if it begins to be accompanied by resentment, you need another strategy.

You need to know who you are and what you value, believe, and desire. Peace at all cost is not likely it. That will lead you to over-compromising. That is simply under-valuing yourself. If this is a description of your relationship, you are not headed towards SoulWise Loving.

SoulWise Loving begins in Soul Solitude**. When we wrote that book, we gave you guidelines, reasons and principles for taking time for your soul to catch up. That’s the starting point to have the most glorious life possible. You deserve it. Overcome over-compromise now.

I wish you well.
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Consultant. Counselor. Coach. Catalyst.
Founder, Sow Peace, www.SowPeace.com, Spiritual Living Network, www.SpiritualLivingNetwork.com &
SoulWise Ways  www.SoulWiseWays.com

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©  Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.ForWomenEntrepreneurs.com

Women are naturally generous. When we learn about something new we want to share it. Many of us have likely had some questions about that, though.  As we learn more and more about marketing and business practices, we can get a bit contorted in our view of what it is that creates a competitive edge…and how to stay balanced on it.

Sometimes, of course, it is wise to keep a good idea to ourselves until we can explore, research and develop it to make it our own and assess its viability.  There are other women and men who would happily jump on our idea and rush to market with it so quickly it makes your head spin…and all without giving us a moment’s thought or credit. Wisdom and discernment in sharing is a good thing.

What I’m aiming to do through my group coaching programs, my websites and my facebook group, For Women Entrepreneurs, is to create safe environments built on trust, respect and mutual agreement. These offer women the safety to share openly–ideas, concerns, struggles, successes–and receive the insights, support and new information I can offer as well as the wisdom of the group.

Didn’t you have to learn to withhold? Most women did. That’s when they may have also adopted the Donald Trump attitude:

“It’s not personal. It’s business.”

Of course, sometimes, that is the truth, but, there is a danger in that saying. As women, we naturally nurture. We naturally want to help, comfort, support and encourage.  If we adopt the Donald’s words, it can help us set good boundaries which is a very good thing. On the other hand, it can put up walls and be seen as blanket permission to behave in ways that can destroy relationships and go against our natures.

Let’s err on the side of generosity and make a difference in the world of business.  I’m in.  How about you?

To our successes!
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Consultant. Counselor. Coach. Catalyst.
…leading women entrepreneurs to the lives & livelihoods that fulfill them.

www.ForWomenEntrepreneurs.com
RS@ForWomenEntrepreneurs.com

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